The Brady Bunch of Autism
Join Navah and Matt Asner as they discuss topics relating to the world of autism and family. Navah and Matt have six children. 3 who are autistic. They are the founders of the Ed Asner Family Center. A center that provides arts and vocational enrichments and counseling services and support groups to special needs individuals and their families.
The Brady Bunch of Autism
The Connor Connection: Autism, Love, and Family Bonds
When Connor Tomlinson's mother Lise Smith joins Matt and Navah Asner on The Brady Bunch of Autism, what unfolds is a masterclass in authentic parenting, neurodivergent relationships, and the unexpected journey of sharing your family's story with millions.
The conversation flows naturally between two families who immediately recognize their shared experiences. As blended families raising children across the neurodivergent spectrum, their connection is palpable. Lise offers a behind-the-scenes glimpse into their Love on the Spectrum journey, from Connor's initial panic attacks during speed dating to the breathless moment of his first kiss – a transformation that has inspired countless viewers.
What makes this episode particularly valuable is Lise's candid discussion of her parenting philosophy. She describes finding the "optimal anxiety zone" – that delicate balance where growth happens when we're slightly uncomfortable but still supported. "I don't want to throw them in the deep end," she explains, "but I'm going to push them a little because that's where the confidence comes from." Her approach resonates deeply with parents navigating similar paths.
The conversation takes a poignant turn when discussing divisions within the autism community. Lise makes an impassioned plea for unity: "The division is how they weaken us. We need to stop and say: I want to understand where you are, what your day-to-day looks like, and how I can support you." This call for empathy across the spectrum offers a refreshing perspective in a community sometimes fractured by different experiences.
Perhaps the most profound moment comes when Matt shares his son's description of autism as "all the apps running at once" – a metaphor that instantly illuminates the neurodivergent experience. These moments of clarity, along with updates on the Ed Asner Family Center's groundbreaking programs like Camp Ed and their adult day program, make this episode essential listening for anyone touched by autism.
Join the conversation and discover how authenticity, gentle boundary-pushing, and a willingness to embrace optimal anxiety can transform lives. Then check out Lise's podcast "Talk To Me Sis" for more insight from autism parents across the spectrum.
www.teafc.org From Our Family To Yours
Welcome to the Brady Bunch of Autism, your source for family, parenting and all things. Autism and special needs Created by our family for your family Live from the Ed Asner Family Center and now your hosts, Nava and Matt Asner. Welcome to the Brady Bunch of Autism.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Brady Bunch of Autism. I'm Matt Asner and I'm Nava Asner, and this is a crazy episode. We saved this. We haven't been around for a while, so I got to say we were saving it up.
Speaker 1:Well, we weren't just sitting home eating bonbons? No, we weren't, were we?
Speaker 2:No, we weren't. We had a lot to do. We had the poker tournament, we had all sorts of wonderful things to bring to the public, and also the beginning of Camp Ed.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's been a whirlwind camp prep. I was just thinking the other day, talking to my camp directors, that this is our ninth year doing Camp Ed and next year we have to do something big. We have to go big for our 10-year anniversary. Paper right, 10-year anniversary, paper right, 10-year Is it? I think so. We just had our 10-year anniversary, it was paper.
Speaker 2:We did Okay. So we have a great show. We have a great show today. We're joined by the incredible Leigh Smith, who is Connor Tomlinson's mom and you all know Connor and Le from the love on the spectrum and um. Connor is um an incredible young man and his mother is incredible too. So we're, going to be joined by that, by him, by her, by her.
Speaker 1:We had the pleasure of meeting we did Connor and his mom and his beautiful typical siblings. Just recently they came into the center. It was so exciting. Our Max was quite titillated by Connor's. I don't know if it's his younger sister or his older sister, but he just was love at first sight, I think for Max yes.
Speaker 1:Anna, beautiful Anna, yeah, and no, just I really resonated, especially with this season, seeing the dynamic between Lise and her son, Because it's so to me was everything was so familiar and I mean, obviously for us Eddie's a little too young to be in that romantic stage, but with the other guys for sure we've been through that, but I loved the dynamic between his sister and her and how they were so excited. It was just wonderful and and.
Speaker 2:It's actually a lot like our family.
Speaker 1:Well, we said that. Yeah, we said that to each other that we have so many similarities.
Speaker 2:We're both come from blended families, and so we're going to, we're going to compare notes yes, let's do Compare notes and then we can talk a bit about, you know, what's going on in the world. We can talk a bit about what's going on in the world and what's going on in the center and what's going on in the center. What is going on in the center.
Speaker 1:Well, as I said, we just finished camp prep. We're getting ready for our ninth year at Camp Ed. Camp Ed, which was named after little Eddie, not big.
Speaker 2:Eddie.
Speaker 1:Right, not big Eddie. Based on a mom's you know, I saw the value of having an expressive arts special needs camp and what you know school was offering for Eddie just to me was just so subpar. But we're, you know, we're getting ready for that. We're also just wrapped up our first semester of this year with our incredible adult day program, the Academy.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And the Academy has been one of the most successful and rewarding programs I've personally have ever created. I was helped to create this based on the need of one of our board members, jill Creeder Hart, whose daughter had fallen over the lip.
Speaker 2:So to speak, but I should say that you know, yes, it was her need, but it's really everyone's need, I mean it's a glaring, glaring omission from the services that are out there pretty much everywhere in the country.
Speaker 1:I agree with you. But I think that the beauty of our personal programs are there's always a passionate parent, peter Piper, who has this drive, and there's so many things that we can improve in the community. There's so many programs that are missing and there's such a need. But unless you really have somebody who's willing to take the lead and drive that home Because Jill had been telling us, you and I, for years you need an adult day program, you need a deal, and until we were able to, until I was able to give the reins of camp ed to Aviva and Miss Judy I didn't really have the bandwidth to do that and it was the greatest thing and I'm so glad I listened to you, jill.
Speaker 2:Yes, so and what are the plans? So the academy starts.
Speaker 1:We restart. We're having our break for summer camp and then we restart in August and we are doing tours for our Academy Fall Session. We have a waitlist. I'm proud to say that we have probably the only day program that is equal parts girls and boys, which is probably unknown in the day program world. We might even actually have more girls this semester than boys.
Speaker 2:Really. Yes, that's actually unprecedented right.
Speaker 1:I know I'm so proud. That's incredible, I'm so proud. And we have the wonderful Aviva is our program director. She brings a light and just a joy to the program.
Speaker 2:She's like a Disney princess who has a firm hand, but with a Disney spin. Okay, right, I think so, I think so. So we're going to bring Lee Smith in a little bit, not yet, but in a little bit. Um, and first thing we're going to do is is, um, before we get to least, we're going to talk a little bit about the poker tournament. Yes, we had a poker tournament on June 14th. Uh and um, if you were there, then you were lucky. It was a lot of fun. Uh, navi, were you there?
Speaker 2:I was there sweating, sweating bullets warm, but but nice but you did promise me next year we're going to be indoors, I think. So, yeah, so, um, but it was great. We had, um an incredible cast of characters there, um, probably 50 celebrities, if you were. If you sit at a poker tournament, at the poker tournament, you sit next to a celebrity. It's pretty exciting.
Speaker 2:It was the most populated poker tournament we ever had, we had an incredible array of food by Ma's Italian Kitchen, and we also honored Michel Le Chassé. Did I say that right? I don't think I said it right. All of our French speakers are wincing.
Speaker 1:Forgive me, michelle, I'm not going to try to butcher that.
Speaker 2:Michelle Le Chasseur. Okay, is that good? Close enough, that's good. Anyway, we honored Michelle for his community work and everything he's done with Mazatelian Kitchen.
Speaker 1:If you're in Burbank area, go check it out. It's incredible food, incredible atmosphere. It's very romantic. Not that you and I ever go out on dates, but if we did go out on a date, yeah, but when we go there, it's romantic.
Speaker 2:It becomes romantic. When we walk in the restaurant, it becomes romantic.
Speaker 1:It's a great date spot, so check it out. Ma's Italian kitchen in Burbank.
Speaker 2:And then I'm going to take a little sip of my Diet Coca.
Speaker 1:His pancreas is eroding as we speak.
Speaker 2:I like Diet Coca. I only have one a day.
Speaker 1:That's a lie. Oh no, it's true. I only have one a day. He's fooling himself.
Speaker 2:Who won the tournament? Vito won the tournament, yeah, but number two was foli should have won.
Speaker 1:Dave foley came in number two and I was so proud of the women who, who literally, are good friends I didn't know that carmelita hughes was such a poker player and aaron murphy another one of my dear friends, shark tabitha.
Speaker 2:a shark Tabitha.
Speaker 1:Really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's a shark.
Speaker 1:Gorgeous and Bit of a shark Sharp and a wonderful autism mommy. Yeah, incredible lady, but Carmelita blew me away. I mean she came in fourth.
Speaker 2:What was incredible is you watch the last two tables and you see this kind of the chips kind of go in a sea of back and forth. They have a lot of chips, then they have a lot of chips, and it's pretty incredible. And when I looked at Carmelita and Aaron's chips at the last two tables I thought, okay, they're going to make the final table. They'll probably win. But they didn't. Next year, girls, Next year we did have a woman win one year I remember.
Speaker 1:I can't remember what year that was.
Speaker 2:We did Quite a while ago, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, carmelita next year is yours.
Speaker 2:All right, so we're going to bring in our guest.
Speaker 1:Let's do it.
Speaker 2:And we're going to see how. This is the first time we've actually done this. We use the software.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So we're going to bring in Lise and Lise is going to be live right now. Hi, lise, hello Hi, how's it going?
Speaker 3:It's going great. How are you guys today?
Speaker 2:Good, I'm going to turn you down in my headphones a little bit, because it's in there.
Speaker 3:So I'm so loud.
Speaker 2:No, it's great.
Speaker 3:Let's see, I have no volume control, matt, so it's me.
Speaker 2:Is that true?
Speaker 3:Is that metaphoric or no, that's true in life, like every my husband's like. Do you know how loud you are right now? Whenever we're talking, I get that all the time. That's like people can hear you.
Speaker 1:Another thing we have in common, but I really want to send my aloha to Connor, because I have heat induced migraines and I can totally understand. Especially, I think the humidity kind of ramps it up a little bit even more.
Speaker 3:He has suffered since he was five years old. He was actually like in a migraine clinic when he was like doing not studies or anything but just having to report because he was so young. And so he has been a migraine sufferer since he was very young. I mean when he was younger he would vomit from them, as now he's older and he knows he's like mom it's in and but he has to retreat to a cold, dark room. Um, usually I found these headache sleeves. They're like cold compression sleeves I literally was going to tell you you have to get that.
Speaker 3:He loves those.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and especially for all you pregnant moms out there. I remember when I was, you know, in the first trimester. You always get migraines and you don't want to take medication. Um, it's the ice helmet. That's the the ticket right, did he? Try. Did he try that? Where it's like? It's like a mask and it heats up and then it massages. What is that called? It plays ambient music. Oh no, what is that thing called? I'm going to send you the link, because that is incredible.
Speaker 1:I prefer the ice, but if it's next level I'll go a combination of the two. So I'm going to send you the link.
Speaker 2:So, for those of you who kind of don't know what we're talking about, we were going to have Lise and Connor on, but Connor, unfortunately, is suffering from a migraine, which is something that's unfortunately common, and so we're going to have Conor in at a later date. But we have the incredible Lee Smith here.
Speaker 3:You get the runner-up, the booby prize, today, that's not at all.
Speaker 2:You know, a mother can say that. A mother can say that because there's no ego in motherhood, is there?
Speaker 3:No, I mean, he's a star. I mean I wish he was here. And again, it's like he gets them at least once or twice a month. We really we have prescription for it. I mean I really I don't want to get crazy with I don't know what the next step is would be for relief. But he, you know, he's in the category of missing a couple days a week of work a month over them. So it's kind of a bummer, but he's, he's a champ.
Speaker 1:And he's a, he's a world traveler. I've been, we've been following you guys and your and your expert escapades and and I love meeting his, his, his siblings, cause it was like you know, seeing their pride, seeing how tight you guys are. It was so familiar to us. I mean, matt and I have six kids and it's like you know, you guys are a blended family, we're a blended family, so I really enjoyed meeting them and I was making a joke that Maxie, like, was like fell in love with Anna. It's Anna Anna, yes, yes, she is. I mean, I don't know bias here. I think she's absolutely stunning. So, yes, I don't blame him by far. Matt and I are good friends with Stan, we're good friends with all the people in this group, but there was something so authentic about Connor's portrayal and his innocence, his brilliance. I mean, when you meet him, you realize how frigging smart he is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I think it's like he's basically saying what we're all thinking. Yeah, that's the truth. Yeah, well, I think it's like he's basically saying what we're all thinking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the truth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's a joy to watch. And you know you're talking to Lisa about this. You're a mom, so I mean.
Speaker 1:No, I think that those parts of season three were so real, they were so authentic. The interaction between you and Anna and how excited you were for him finally found this connection and he's like he's only into brunettes. I love that. I think he has good taste into brunettes.
Speaker 1:Um, I love that. I I think he has good taste, but it's it's. It makes sense. I mean it's. It's in our family too. It's like our sons. You know they're, they're used to aviva and me and they're drum, they're more. There's no like oedipus rex or whatever you know oh yes, edible complex, whatever it's called yeah, but you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:It was just so authentic and beautiful how excited you guys were when you first met her and when she walks out of the room and you're all. I love that. I just absolutely love that.
Speaker 2:And I gotta say I mean the one thing that resonated for me in the show. Well, I mean your relationship, you know, together with Connor is just amazing, like, uh, like I said in the intro of this show, very much like our family, very, you know, very fun and and uh, and it just was and a big family. Wonderful to watch a big family interacting with each other. Um, but, thank you, you but Connor.
Speaker 2:For me, connor's discovery of love is one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life wow discovery, you know, when he's with georgie and and, and he, you know, realizes that you know he's going to kiss her, yeah, you know. And the discovery of how he feels about that and and his expression. I everyone should feel that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, everyone in the in the in the world should be able to feel that feeling and and you see it in his expression I mean he kind of like his eyes open, he kind of gasps like he can't believe it. He's breathless.
Speaker 2:And Lisa, just honestly, I really want to ask you watching that scene in particular but you can talk about any scene really watching that scene in particular, how did that feel as a mother to watch this kind of transformation of your son into this world of love? That must have been incredible.
Speaker 3:I mean exactly Matt, and honestly, the transformation. For me that was the sort of the zenith point, the pinnacle of what, if you've watched you know, from season two. First of all, you know we got into this whole project because he expressed a loneliness to us and you know, show or no show, I was trying to figure out how to help, you know, scaffold and bridge that gap for him in a safe way, and that you know, no one took advantage of him, and so forth. But the fact that from season two, just episode where he had the speed dating and the panic attack that Connor to the Connor at the finale of season three, the evolution, that is what blows me away.
Speaker 3:It's not so much that he got his first kiss and we all, that really was his first kiss ever in his life and I think it shocked the heck out of him and, to be honest, he really had to come in and sit down and have a glass of water.
Speaker 3:He couldn't feel his legs. It was really funny Bless him, but it was more just like, oh my gosh, not only you know, was he just so open to it, I don't know that I could have let someone in, and all that with the cameras and he was just and I love that he was so open and willing and he storyline in particular is because it was such a massive evolution, gain and growth from season two, episode one, to season three, episode seven. You know, it was just and I think he took us all on his journey and I mean, as his mom, obviously I'm so impacted because I've been there from minute one, but it was really cool that the world loved sharing and, or you know, the viewers I don't want to be that arrogant the viewers really appreciated his growth.
Speaker 1:Well, and I remember Lise had said that when she, when you're in the trenches of the filming, elise had said that when she, when you're in the trenches of the filming, you miss so much. And I remember you. You had said that you don't really know until you see. I'm sure they showed it to you before all of us but the they didn't they?
Speaker 3:I watch it. When you watch it, it's petrifying. Oh my gosh. Because, petrifying, that's incredible.
Speaker 1:It's scary. There's something very brave about it. I remember you and I did that documentary and they wanted. They insisted on on showing up literally at 6am. So I'm getting the kids ready. And my hair, as I turned to the side, my hair was like I mean I, you could tell that there was a very real moment very real moments, but you don't really realize and you're always like, oh my God, what it's going to look like.
Speaker 1:But you guys, you guys looked great, you sounded great, that your house is gorgeous I think it was just. It was so beautiful and I'm just really, really excited, for we're excited to see where it goes.
Speaker 2:We're all excited. Yeah, and something you said you know leads me to another question. I you mentioned Connor's growth between the two seasons. He's been everywhere. I mean I follow. I follow you guys on social media, you know he's. He's been all over the place, he's. I know it's wild, you guys on social media, you know he's. He's been all over the place, he's. I know it's wild, and a lot of people want to know him and which, which is interesting and great, but it's also kind of worrisome. How has he dealt with, how have you all dealt with this kind of sudden thrust into the spotlight and how are you dealing with it?
Speaker 3:I think overall as a family we're really tight and really protective and pretty feisty, outspoken people. So I think you know as much as that probably cuts both ways, it serves us in some ways and I think in some ways it hurts us because I think, you know, we're not everybody's flavor, which I get and I'm becoming okay with, but as a family it is a shock. It is strange to get off a plane in a strange new city and people are calling our name in a terminal. That's weird, you know. I mean we're like wait, you know. And then you know there's times where my daughter and I are having an argument in front of a Starbucks about something silly and then someone comes up and we're in the middle of just like being a family, disagreeing or something, and someone's like, oh, we're big fans, and we're like having a domestic in front of people, just like, oh wait, we're not strangers, we've got to be kind of tamed. But so we're learning, I guess, as we go.
Speaker 3:It's exciting. 90% of it is really nice and supportive and sweet and actually quite moving when people come up and just say how Connor has helped them or watching me with Connor. I got an amazing DM recently that said, you know, we were a family who kind of hit our child's diagnosis. I guess their child is, you know, low support needs, so they kind of try to mask it to the world. And they said, watching you with Connor we're more open about it and it's changed our parenting. And that was huge. You know, that was very touching to know that just watching our family's interactions inspired them to lean into it and be okay with it, because it's okay you know.
Speaker 3:But back to your question it is strange how we're dealing with it. Yes, we have moments of it is scary. Sometimes there's been some weird things that have unnerved us. You're public and we are normal people in Podunk Georgia. I don't have a gated community or a security. We have cameras and things now, but it's not like we're, you know, in these protected mansions or anything. So, yeah, there are some things that are scary and just that make you more aware. But overall it's been great and I think Connor has handled it really well. He does have moments where he hits walls. We just see it coming and we try to jump in and give him a break.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, you, you, you've been trained very well for that, I'm sure. And and, uh, you know, just knowing him from childbirth.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:So you know, understanding what his walls are. You know that's, I'm sure you Did, being on the show, change how you see yourself, or maybe how others see you. I mean, do you think it changed things?
Speaker 3:Yeah, that was interesting. You know you're your own worst critic, so when I'm watching I'm sort of tearing myself apart. I'm like, oh my gosh, I look like a helicopter or geese. I'm pretty overbearing. I see the things that. When I get some negative stuff I'm like, yeah, I guess I can see that.
Speaker 3:But my story with my kids and I know you're a blended family and you're in a second marriage or whatever and you're not in your original marriages and I'm not either I had to be a really tough chick for a while. I had four little kids by myself, you know, and that you either sink or swim and I swam. But with that came some brassiness and some out there-ness. That isn't again, isn't everybody's flavor and I think I saw that. But I did see also I'm not that hard on myself. I did see that we're fun. I saw I do. It was fun to see how much we love each other and how tight we are and that to see that on a screen and to know that I will have that forever and my kids will have it. My grandkids would get to see that frozen in time is so cool that's well, I definitely incredible I I can really relate to that because I also was a single mom with four kids.
Speaker 1:Um, I grew up with eight brothers, no sisters, so I am the ultimate chick and. I didn't see one personally. Whoever said that I didn't see one ounce of helicopter brass? I didn't see that at all.
Speaker 3:Oh well, I've gotten the DMs.
Speaker 1:Here's the thing you can't please everyone and if that would be magical human beings Everyone. And if we could, it would be magical human beings. I remember in our documentary somebody was remarking on how dare they give their children chicken McNuggets and they should be tasting gluten. And it's like I say to all my parents because I'm also a life coach for special needs parents, needs parents I say, look, we all need to listen more and critique and criticize each other less, especially because I work with ASAN and actual autistics and it's such a divided group and I know that a lot of our friends who are in ASAN have been critical of the show and I say to them very clearly you know I can see your perspective, but I can so clearly see the perspective of people like the person who wrote to you and said, look, by watching you, you inspired us. You inspired us to be who we are and not feel like autism is something that should be hidden or not celebrated.
Speaker 1:And there are parts of autism that aren't like love on the spectrum. There are parts of it. You know, profound autism is a totally different world. But I really feel so strongly that if we just listen to each other more and criticize because nobody knows. I don't know what you deal with on a daily basis. You don't know what you deal with on a daily basis, you don't know what I deal with on a daily basis. And nobody should say what helps them get through each day. Because you and I know, as single moms with four kids, we have to do what we can do, sometimes hour by hour, not even day by day.
Speaker 1:So I feel very strongly that as a community, if we judged each other less I know that our friend Christine was getting a lot of flack about some stuff with Abby and you know I said to her there's so much criticism and people really need to start to listen more and say, look, if this is what you do to get through and nobody knows what what the other person's life is on a daily basis, and I, just I, I personally I would say to you, whoever, just let it run off your back, because the positive and overwhelming in our community people just absolutely being drawn to you and Connor, specifically as a mom and son that's what I've been, you know, universally in our community.
Speaker 1:It's like you. You inspire these families, you, um are admired greatly by our community and and myself I I just loved because I, you know our youngest is just now starting to think about girls and and, and I know, as a mom, when you, when your kid isn't in friends groups and they're solitary a lot of the times, there's nothing that hurts the heart more than your kid saying to you I'm lonely or I'd love to have a girlfriend. We have a student that I introduced you to at the academy and every day he says to me N Nava, when are you going to help me find a girlfriend? And he's a handsome.
Speaker 3:Remember I introduced you to yes, no, I know exactly, he's very handsome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes so I mean, I just think that we, um you know, have to, as a group, really, really support each other, support moms, moms, criticize less. And that's your stories and Kian's, I'm probably. He's always telling me I'm mispronouncing his name.
Speaker 3:I think it's Kian.
Speaker 1:I got it right for the first time. I said to him I watched the Australian show, matt and I binged it in one weekend and we created Love on the Spectrum years ago.
Speaker 2:No, no Dating Spectrum.
Speaker 1:We created the Dating Spectrum. We created Love on the Spectrum. No, we were by the program, especially by my good friend, jennifer O'Toole, because I love the idea of having somebody who could continue support. I don't know if you talked to Jen, but I wrote the foreword in her book Autism and Heals and it's a beautiful book. If you guys haven't read it, it's more eccentric and more tailored towards autistic women and girls the fact that Jen was continuing with the support, because I think in employment, in relationships, we're very excited about connection but we're not following through with the long-term support that they need, and so I love that. And in our course, what makes our course unique is that it's entirely created and run by autistic individuals. So what I see in like certain you know speed datings and things like that is you have typical people telling autistic people what it's like in a first date and it's not really like that no, it isn't, and and sometimes just being in a room with fluorescent lights can be a trigger and like um, oh god, matt, um, what is?
Speaker 1:is it madison?
Speaker 2:yes madison her guy was yeah, he was very triggered, he couldn triggered.
Speaker 1:He couldn't even get to that spot because he was already being triggered by the elements around him.
Speaker 2:Oh, exactly the loud restaurant yes. Yep.
Speaker 1:So if you have an autistic teacher, he would say, hey, let's move to this. That was a wonderful moment though. I loved it.
Speaker 2:Because he was unapologetic about what he was doing. Yes, and it was just something he needed to do, and I thought that was a very powerful moment, and both characters, both Madison and this young man.
Speaker 1:You and I both we really were affected by that because we could see both sides. I loved how patient and how sweet she was and understanding, and then she got to her cowboy prince at the end.
Speaker 2:That was and understanding, and then she got to her cowboy prince at the end. You know that was the step. Lise, what advice would you give someone who's thinking about sharing their neurodivergent journey publicly? What advice would you give them?
Speaker 3:I mean, it's a scary decision and I know we made it as a family. So you know and again, that's just how our family rolls, like we wanted to support Connor 100% and we wanted to champion whatever he wanted and it really was his decision, when it got serious, that we were going to have the choice and the opportunity to share it and it was up to us to accept. We paused as a family and we started with Connor and we, you know, we sat. So again, I think, if you're going to share your story I don't know if it's going to be the neurodivergent individual we had to have Connor's like buy-in, all-in. It was him. This is you, this isn't us pushing you. And he was like I want this. And then we said we're going to run through walls for you. And we did talk as a family and everybody you know, season two, you didn't see one of my sons. He was not comfortable with it and he didn't participate. Season two, he's like, okay, I think you know I want to be seen as part of the family. So he reached outside his comfort zone. So there's that.
Speaker 3:I think you know, make the decision soberly, open, you know, with eyes wide open and, as to me as much in agreement as a family unit, because you're going to need the support of the family. You're not going to need the I told you so or we should never have, or I think it needs to be a family decision because it impacts the family. That would be my very first piece of advice. And then secondly, be yourself and have fun with it. I think what really resonates is we Connor knows no other way to be. Obviously, you know neurotypical people almost in some ways, the way they try to like, fit in or try to be whatever the moment is looking for or asking for. We really just were like, if we're doing this, we're doing this good, bad, ugly. And I mean I have a YouTube channel with Connor you could go watch. We started that channel long before Love on the Spectrum four years ago. It is the same Lisa and Connor sitting in that car four years ago that you see on the Netflix screen. So we were like we're going to be ourselves and I think the authenticity comes through.
Speaker 3:And you know, there's moments where Connor gets dysregulated and the tipping, the tipping scene comes to mind. Like he was mad. He's like I'm only going to. You know the brunette scene. Oh my gosh. You know he was mad at me, and I'm not kidding. In that scene I was sweating behind my neck and I was literally going oh my gosh, they're filming. This is filming Connor's dysregulating. I need to calm him down. This is bad. I didn't see this one coming. I didn't think hair color was this big of a deal. But then sometimes Connor acts in such a way where it's easy for me to just forget that he is on the spectrum and has some things that are really kind of in his mind and that he just he couldn't really work through and he was genuinely dysregulating. He was really mad. And that's when Connor goes to like nine. I try to get down to like two. You know that.
Speaker 1:Kian was so that he saw that and he kept it. I'm so glad because I think that showed all of us that, oh, it's because you it was almost, if anything, you guys were so perfect.
Speaker 3:We stayed neutral, that we've all learned to just be neutral.
Speaker 1:We needed that, we needed that and say, look, lise deals with the same. You know the ramp up that we all deal with and I I thought that part was what, what, what was made your segment so authentic? The fact that we did see him dysregulate. We did see the realness of that interaction between you, because that happens every day. Oh yeah, how many times does that happen with with Eddie? You know that we, that we say one thing and and, and, and, and, and I again I applaud Kian for for leaving it because it was important. I just wanted to make a little plug for your podcast because we've been a lot of the moms have been listening to it. So tell, tell, all of our listeners again, thank you, because as moms we really appreciate that aspect. And Tanner's mom I know you had a lot of the other moms we've known. David has been in the Miracle Project. I was on the board of the Miracle Project, so I've known David for a long time and his mom was on the podcast. The other day.
Speaker 3:Yes, tell us where we can listen to that podcast. It's Nikki and myself, and Nikki is Tanner's mom from Love on the Spectrum. We have found a sisterhood in each other. That was so unexpected from the show and it was just this chemistry. And Connor and Tanner present very differently and Tanner has truly become such a friend to Connor and it was something Connor genuinely didn't have in his life. So not only is the show gifted Connor, a girlfriend and his demigoddess, but he got a true friend. I mean, they text when we travel together, they sit together, they have their conversations and it's just such a beautiful thing. But you can see—sorry, back to the podcast.
Speaker 3:Anywhere you get your podcasts, talk to me, sis and we started off talking about our journeys and we were really honest and we shared feelings that probably weren't really popular to say out loud, but I felt like I wanted to touch the moms that might be thinking and feeling the same thing and feeling bad and just going like, no, I felt this way, I was mad, I was disappointed and I've gotten comments about that, but it was real. We've obviously got to sit and feel it and work through it. We then had the Love on the Spectrum moms and, to your point, you're right, there is a group and you know, autism being a spectrum where there are more complex needs, and we are starting a series this week where we are specifically the next few weeks only focusing on moms and families who deal with individuals on the spectrum with more complex needs Nonspeaking and we want to hear everybody's stories. We want to understand, we understand what. You see.
Speaker 3:I used to work with autistic individuals at the New England Center for Children in Massachusetts when I was just out of college. I worked in the early intervention room with the non-speaking children, newly diagnosed parents and kids. You know the parents were dealing with this new diagnosis. I've seen it all too, and I was working in it, and so we are under no illusion that you know this is, you're right, it is. It would be, I think, difficult for me to see some of these storylines and just go, yeah, right, you know. And so we are wanting to share everybody's stories and have understanding.
Speaker 3:And we have Betsy Hicks, russ, coming on, or Betsy Rooks, russ Hicks sorry, betsy on the go, she is coming on this Thursday and she said something that I want to say because I want to hear. I want other people to hear it when all this strife in our autism community is heartbreaking right now because we are all dealing with stuff with our loved ones who are on the spectrum and this division that is trying to come into our community. It's how they weaken us and we need to stop and just say I want to understand where you are, I want to understand what your day-to-day looks like and I love you and I want to support you and back and forth. The division has to stop. And why can't we just love and support each other and just try to support you and back and forth? The division has to stop. And why can't we just love and support each other and just try to find out where we all are?
Speaker 2:Right, right. Everyone has a righteous story. Everyone is coming from their own place.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, but let's meet each other with kindness and love and understanding instead of whoever's trying this division in all, in, in, in all of it is just. It's frustrating and and Nikki said it well, you know, to Betsy you know, just like people with the more complex needs may be frustrated with people that they see on Love, on the Spectrum. Some people like us, who we did, we, we, our kids are at this level or they're doing whatever they're doing, they're working, some are driving whatever, but you know, our school years were IEPs and a lot of support and therapies and all that. Well then, maybe we're struggling with some of the people who are saying, well, I just diagnosed myself last week on Google, you know, and they're in their thirties and they're married, you know. I mean still, you know, everybody should have a place. It's not. The division is what needs to stop to stop I.
Speaker 1:I agree a hundred percent. And I'm in your corner and yes, please, please and I'm in yours Listen to the podcast, you will enjoy it. Whether you're a mom or not, or just a fan of Love on the Spectrum, you will love this podcast.
Speaker 2:What's something you both have taught each other that school couldn't have taught. What's something that you can think of?
Speaker 3:That Connor's taught me. Yeah, connor, I say all the time, and everybody has their own faiths and beliefs and whatever. And I'm Christian and believe in God and I say God knew that I needed Connor to walk this life with me. Connor has just taught me about, oh my gosh, so many things just being authentic in yourself. And Connor has brought a lens to my world that I realized that was so narrow and I was looking at things through such a narrow scope.
Speaker 3:And when Connor looks at the same thing I'm looking at and he says what he sees. And I'll give a small example. And it was when he was very young. He says what he sees and I'll give a small example. And it was when he was very young and that's when I and I didn't he wasn't diagnosed yet, but it stopped me. I was like this child thinks differently.
Speaker 3:I was pregnant with my twins and I was getting into his little twin bed to read him a good night story and he was under his covers and I was trying to get my big twin pregnant body into this little twin bed with this toddler to read him a story and I said can you just make some space for me?
Speaker 3:And he looked at me with his cute little brown eyes and he goes only if you make earth for me and I didn't I. You know it sounds weird, it doesn't even really make sense, but in that moment I thought, oh my gosh, his brain is so cool and it's been. That was a silly example and I can't think of a specific one, but Connor's lens. He has made me see things and people in ways that I don't think I would have had the vision to without him, and he's taught me to just love authenticity and just being. He is unapologetically Connor and I can't say that I have that much confidence as him and I love what I think I do now, but he's taught me that over these years and I love it.
Speaker 1:Matt told the story of what he said to you when you were showing him. Oh.
Speaker 2:God, that was so great. Oh, my God, um. Connor was really fascinated that my dad was not just Carl Fredrickson, but he was also Santa Claus and Elf. Oh my gosh and that was like an overwhelming thing for him. And he goes. He's looking at the case and he's like, oh, he goes. Well, he was also Santa Claus and Elf. That makes his passing even that much more tragic I'm so sorry, oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:No, no, that was beautiful it was beautiful, oh my god dad would have loved that yeah he would have loved that he lived for that kind of stuff and and and I and I loved that and I it just was so wonderful it but, um, obviously your dad's much more legendary, but, um, he was just fascinated with your case. They have this beautiful case, everybody in their center with memorabilia, just I don't even. I mean, we could have stared in that case for hours actually it's pretty much all his whole life fidel castro.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right, yeah now there's a picture of my dad and Muhammad Ali and Fidel.
Speaker 1:Castro, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh smart, and one of his Emmys is in there and you know some models from the from up, you know so it was, but it was great. I always love watching people look in that case, because they're.
Speaker 1:they all find a part of themselves in that case, and that's a beautiful thing I was most impressed by how patient and sweet and down to earth he was with our students. Oh yeah, a lot of them were kind of like starstruck and he was so sweet and so patient and I mean, all your children were that way, but Connor really impressed me. He really impressed me and I'll tell you, your children were that way, but Connor really impressed me, he really impressed me and I'll tell you something.
Speaker 2:You mentioned that and that's a wonderful thing about Love on the Spectrum, I think, and identifying with people who are on that show, is that other neurodivergent individuals can look at that show and they can see themselves in these characters, these real people, and and realize that they can do it. They can do it, yeah, with themselves, yeah, they can. They can, you know, find love.
Speaker 3:They can do anything and I would generally just point people back to if they, you know, just go connor, season two, episode one, I think, where he just has his panic attack and he is, just so you know, freaking out about this whole new world he's found himself in and all these new feelings to just and this is what I will say, and I do think this is important to say so many. There's a lot of new parenting styles, as I, as I, I'm in my early 50s and my kids are in their 20s and I, you know, again single mom right now, just single mom thing, and you had to be, I kind of had to be mom and dad for a few years, and so I see a lot of things where there's a lot of child led this and that I'm also a firm believer that children get parents for a reason. We are teachers, we are guides, we are teaching them the world and also what's acceptable. Kids don't have those tools in their toolbox. We need to put them in there. You have to teach that Kids don't come knowing this stuff.
Speaker 3:So a lot of this child-led stuff is interesting to me from the way I raised my kids. I'll just phrase it that way Interesting to me from the way I raised my kids I'll just phrase it that way me gently pushing, and I you know people thought you know it could be perceived sometimes we pushed him too hard. Connor thanks me on a regular basis for making him keep pedaling his bike and getting out of his comfort zone because then that is the place you will only truly grow and it's the optimal anxiety. He's got to be a little uncomfortable. All our kids got to get a little uncomfortable guys to grow and we're there to support them. We don't want them so uncomfortable. They're dysregulating. Like please hear that I'm not saying send people into tizzies and tantrums. In a place where the anxiety is so high no growth is happening. But there is an optimal anxiety zone. It is our job as parents to push them to.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:And hold our hands on their back there and go you got to feel it and promise me we're going to get through this. And when they do, on the other side, holy cow, the confidence, the growth. And that is what you're seeing with my son and that is my advice as a parent Don't be afraid to push them there.
Speaker 2:You can't always live in your comfort zone.
Speaker 3:No, no, we're not going to grow. And also I'm not a fan of throwing them into the deep end of the pool and going by swim. No, I don't want to do that. I don't want to watch you drown. I am, I am going to scare you a little bit. You're going out, you're going to not be able to touch and you're going to go under and we're going to get you up and you're going to go. But that, that zone is where growth happens. And I promise you, connor, you saw the pain, you saw the growth, you saw the panics, you saw him, you saw him call me. We talked, he went back in, you saw him fight through it and, um, you know, that's been our mantra. And I, you know, people are like how did you do the single mom thing? And I'm like I didn't stop pedaling the bike because the bike would have tipped over.
Speaker 1:I just kept riding, you know great advice great advice we have to figure out, to, to, to follow lee's advice with dates.
Speaker 3:We were always making jokes because Matt and I never go on on dates you have to, and we've all been divorced, so right, the best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage, right.
Speaker 2:I agree, I agree, um, I, I will. I'm on the show right now. I'm promise you we'll have more dates. Yeah, at least one a week.
Speaker 3:Yeah, one a week.
Speaker 2:I just want to share one thing before we go. Our son will said something to me once. He said I asked him once what autism was like. You know what? What do you think autism? Can you describe autism to me? And he said to me, dad, it's like all the apps are running at once. Wow, all the apps are running at the same time, and and and. That was so. You know. You talk about how. You know Connor sometimes tells you things that are just really mind blowing and eyeopening, and and that is that was a moment for me where I was like, oh, wow, that's, that's really that explains it to me Profound.
Speaker 2:Profound, profound, and it just amazed me. Well, lisa, I want to thank you for joining us. This has been revelatory.
Speaker 3:It's been amazing and it's been damn fun. Oh, thank you for having me. You guys are amazing. It was fun to see you and this is not the end of us here. We're going to come back and visit the center. We want to help with whatever you guys you know you got going and however we can support. And I know that the poker didn't line up this year, but we better be on the guest list for next year.
Speaker 1:We actually have a couple of celebrity events coming up, a big one in December, so we're going to send you guys invites to that but, I just want to send all of our love to Connor.
Speaker 1:Feel better, get that ice helmet going. I'm going to send you a link to the mask the brain mask, I think it's called but I so hope to be able to hang with you and have a cocktail and just talk Absolutely, and you are welcome anytime at the center, all of you. And thank you so much, lise, and don't forget to listen. Remind us again the name of the podcast yes it's Talk To Me Sis.
Speaker 3:It comes out every Thursday. It would be noon Pacific time that the episodes drop. A new episode every Thursday, eastern Standard Time, 3 pm. Anywhere. You get your podcasts and if you want to watch us, you can watch us on YouTube. There's a Talk To Me Sis channel and you know also if you want to watch me and Connor. We have car rides with Connor. You get to sit in the car with us every day for about 12 minutes. It's kind of fun.
Speaker 2:You can watch that right now. Thank you so much, lee, and we'll have Connor on at a different date.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. We'll make sure we make that happen and can't wait to see you guys again, and thanks for inviting me on your pod.
Speaker 2:Thank you, lee. So appreciate it very much, lee Smith everyone.
Speaker 3:Bye y'all.
Speaker 2:If today's episode moved you and made you laugh, share it, leave a review and make sure to subscribe. Push the button subscribe. It helps more families like ours feel seen and heard. Until next time. This is Matt Asner, and.
Speaker 1:Nava Asner. Thank you guys so much. We'll see you next time. Shalom Aleichem everyone.
